Jokes

Time to relax!!!

A musician is practising, windows wide open. Suddenly a lady's shoe is shooting in and almost hit his head. "What an impudence!" the trumpeter is uttering angrily. "Keep going, dear", the wife exclaims. "Maybe the second shoe will follow - the first one fits!"

The music teacher asked which musical instrument the oldest one was. Peter shouts, "The accordion, it has the most wrinkles."

What do clouds and school teachers have in common? When they disappear it´s getting nice.

Religion teacher: "What do we have to do first, so that our sins will be forgiven?" "We have to commit sins, Sir."

Two sportsmen are bragging about their achievements. "Yesterday I was running a marathon and after that i jumped 2,10m high!" "No wonder, with such a long approach run."

"Hi, Albert!" someone is calling from the other side of the street. "How are you? In former days you looked more elegant and you were slimmer; you had more hair and ..." "Just a moment", says the other gentleman. "My name is not Albert." "What? Did you change your name too?"

"Did you hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner, it comes with no attachments".

  An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."  

A pilot landed a plane with a very bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady. She slowly approached the pilot and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

  Golf Challenge

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."